Punda Malidadi

Thursday, January 06, 2005

My slow descent into alcoholism

Dec 31: the Cuban Revolution party took place(where "Cuban" was Code for "Mike's" and "Revolution" was code for "penis". Do feel free to make up your own jokes about what comstituted the "Zapatista uprising"...).
Mostly, I had fun playing "Things" and "Balderdash" and arguing about grammar. I also drank what qualifies as a very unwise mixture of alcoholic beverages(fruit punch with vodka, jello shooters, gin, champagne) and was mildly disconcerted by the fact that I was not hungover the next day.

January 3rd: with my Mennonite Christian PC voting roomate's return from Manitoba only 1 day away, I was rather anxious to erase all the gay porn that Mike and Steve downloaded at the party from her computer. I didn't exactly know how to do it, so I asked someone to come over that night to help me with that. I went out real quickly to rent a movie, realized I didn't bring a key, but figured that wasn't that big of a deal - someone would let me in the building for sure, and since I didn't have the keys, the apartment door surely had to be unlocked. Right?
Wrong. It was locked, so I figured I'd taken the keys but thrown them in the garbage bin outside together with the party garbage. Naturally, I buzzed my neighbours- I think they're roommates and their names are Cole and Cole, but maybe they were just fucking with me. No, wait, I think they're doing that with each other(Hmmm...which one is written again, libel or slander..?)

But alas, I am straying from my topic. So Cole&Cole gave me a huge maglight, and I went through the garbage for 20 minutes in the dark at -20 degrees, without any success. since I still had no way of getting into my apartment, I called the emergency caretaker of the building, and waited another 30minutes at Cole's&Cole's. When the caretaker arrived, and unlocked the door for me, I walked right into my roommate Courtney. Who had come home a day early. And locked the door behind her, which had been open upon her arrival an hour earlier and barely 10 minutes after I had left the building.

She was next door the whole time, while I had to make small talk with the Coles.

I proceeded to write a $25 cheque for the emergency caretaker's services(which bounced the next day, which led to an unpleasant phone call). Then, I thought about the Windows background consisting of a male face, two hands and two errect penises. Oops. Well, to cut a long story short, I fed her leftover Gin and margarita mix from the party, and we resolved the situation.

Uhm...anyone want to move in with me for March 1?

Jan 4: I got a $1700 settlement check from Air Canada for losing my suitcase back in September. It was a goooooooooooood day.

Jan 5: A girl fainted at the Safeway while shopping. Nobody did a fucking thing. The Safeway flower stand lady actually started wiping up the water the girl spilt when crashing into the fresh cut flower containers before helping her. So I had to abandon my grocery cart and scream at 4 bloody Safeway employees before we could get a bloody glass of water. I couldn't believe it. I am hypoglycemic myself, and faint once in a while.

So, if anyone ever faints:

If they're not horizontal yet, make them lie down.
Get them to put their feet up.
Make them drink water.
Cover them up with a blanket or whatever is handy.
Talk to them reassuringly to see if they are coherent and try to find out if they know the reason for it(sick?pregnant? hypoglycemic? diabetic?).

It's not very hard.

Anyways, eventually the ambulance came and I left. But I am telling you, don't pick the Safeway as a place to faint.

Jan5: I flashed my caretaker. No, I am not kidding. Guess who thought it was a great idea to shower with the door open and the music on really loud after asking the caretaker to come in and check the heating?
Yes, I know it sounds like the beginning of cheap porn. Astonishingly many things in my life do.
It was very humourous nonetheless, and, as Samantha Power so sharply put it:

"At least you're gong to get a really good response time next time something is broken."

Well, let's just say, if not, I will be mildly insulted.

In the evening, I went to Heather Wallace's birthday party, which was lots of fun, where I noticed that I had lost my ability to taste ethannol. Also, the next day, no hangover was to be observed. Cirrhosis, here I come.

Jan6: I got my grade for my women's studies class back, the final of which I wrote while still drunk from a night at the Druid, where Roman Kotovych(whose 25th birthday was to be celebrated), Lisa McLaughlin and Steve Smith can vouch for this. And it is an A-.

What's a girl got to do around here to get a bad grade? I mean, seriously?

Song of the week: The New Pornographers'
"The Slow Descent Into Alcoholism"

I say my, my slow descent into alcoholism went to my head
Where I really need it
With the views that remain untreated
I say my, my, my, my slow descent into alcoholism went something like this.
Salvation holdout central.
I say my ever-loosening grip on the commonest courtesies slipped
From my hands when I really need her,
When I need change for the parking meters.

I said my, my, my, my slow descent into alcoholism went something like this.

5 Comments:

Blogger Bogg wrote:
[8:17 PM, January 06, 2005]
Those were fun times.
Blogger John wrote:
[10:39 PM, January 06, 2005]
Sounds like an exciting week C. If you keep up at this speed you might set a record for interesting events for the year 2005.
Blogger Prus wrote:
[11:55 PM, January 06, 2005]
Hmm I'm somewhat glad i had other plans...sounded like a good time though
Blogger Baaba wrote:
[8:29 PM, January 08, 2005]
If I agree to move in with you do you promise that my limp life will become as animated as yours???
Blogger rabebl wrote:
[6:05 AM, January 11, 2005]
Und wo haben wir das Trinken gelernt???????
Natuerlich im Sax!!!!!!
Bin im Nov direkt mal wieder mitm Bab im Sax abgestuerzt: von 3 bis 6 Uhr.
Das reicht mir voll und ganz...

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