People are getting married. I don't approve.

The mainstream Hollywood notion of romantic love is stupid. If anything, it's an instrument devised by the patriarchy-as is the bra, on an unrelated side note- to make women stay with men they're not happy with. I mean, think about it- "the happiest day of your life"? Huge multi-day wedding conventions? Blood diamond engagement rings from Sierra Leone? $10,000 events with peppercorn icecream? What a complete and utter pile of crap.

Wake up, ladies! You're selling yourself short! You're falling into a huge capitalist trap! Not that I haven't fallen and don't still continue to fall into some of them myself- after all, I still insist on shaving my legs for some undefinable reason-but at least not this one.

Let me tell you, as I so frequently do, why all of you who want to get married are stupid:

1. Your traditional wedding fantasy costs a shitload of money. A *shit*load. Go take a trip around the world, it'll get you a few months at the least.

2. Why on earth would you want to dress up like a big cupcake?

3. Why on earth would you want to sign a piece of paper that promises something that you are in no position to promise? Oh, I think you believe it *at the time*- but, love does weird things to your brain. Don't fucking sign anything! Or would you sign something when you're high on crack?

4. Scarcity makes things valuable. If you don't know for sure that someone is probably with you for a very long time- and, in the effects it has on the human brain the 7 years the average marriage lasts might as well be forever- time together isn't all that scarce. All that matters here is perceived scarcity, though- you can spend quite a bit of time together as long as you don't know that you've bought the whole goddamn cow already.

5. You have to live together. Living together is evil. Certainly, there are plusses, but they don't outweigh the minusses. For one, you never have a chance to get horny, unless one of the partners continually rejects the other one, and then that's bad for the relationship anyways. Second, you're going to eventually see all the unpleasant private things your partner does. And while that creates a very heartwarming sense of intimacy at first, let me tell you, it gets old very fast. On the other hand, if I hadn't lived with someone before, I wouldn't have permanent residency, and if I hadn't subsequently separated from him, I also wouldn't be able to get student loans. Every time I apply, I proudly check the 'separated' box. If I didn't, they would require the amount of line 167 of my parents income tax. 'But my parents live in Germany', I say. "How much more independent you think I can get?' 'We still need it', they answer. 'But the WHOLE GODDAMN FUCKING TAX SYSTEM IS DIFFERENT! THERE IS NO LINE 167!', I retort. 'We still need line 167 from your parents' income tax', they insist friendly. Can you imagine the joy I felt when I realized that my official marital status was 'separated' and that that meant I qualified as an independent adult? Words can't capture it.

6. Divorce costs a lot of money. Unless you both decide to split at the same time, one of you is inevitably going to be mad at the other one. This might lead more complacent types who aren't so worried about finding their "soulmate" (i.e., men) to just tolerate the one they're with. Wouldn't you rather know that your partner could leave you any second, and that the fact that s/he hasn't done so means that s/he really *wants* to be there?

7. If a stressful day where you have to deal with all your relatives' neuroses is your idea of the happiest day of your life, your expectations are kind of low. In fact, why don't you shoot yourself right now? 'But Catrin', you say,'I want to get married in Vegas/Mexico/the Bahamas with a close circle of friends!' 'Well', I say, 'if there's enough booze, and if you think you might just be able to get away with getting a whole bunch of gifts and then making sure there's a 'mistake' that anulls your marriage, I say go for it! In fact, I've been thinking about that myself."

8. 'But what about children', you say, 'I want to have children!'. Well, I have it on good authority that you don't actually have to be married to do that. In fact, I vividly remember having an argument with my then-best friend in grade 4 about just that. Guess what? I won. Guess what also? Her father told her to stay away from me, because I was a bad influence, and told her cousin to spend more time with her. Guess who got knocked up when she was sixteen and I was, if not innocent, at least to remain virginal for quite some time after that? Exactly. The cousin. HA! Take that for judging me! I still hate you, father of former best friend-in fact, I had a nightmare about you last night. Something about socks. It was horrific. But back on topic: Just bring up your child with your best friend. At least your best friend likely agrees that hockey is a vile and violent sport aimed at engraining mainstream masculinity schemata, and that a child should never play it, unless it's a girl.

9. Common law people get the same tax benefits. That said, since I don't believe in living together either, just get yourself an opposite gender roommate or something. Thankfully, I'm in no danger of breaking into the first tax bracket in the foreseeable future. Or ever, considering I'm doing a B.A. in International Bullshitting.

10. Just leave your options open, you eejit.